Drinker's Fault Guide |
Sympton |
Fault |
Action to be Taken |
Drinking fails to give satisfaction & taste. Shirt front is wet. |
Mouth open while drinking OR Glass being applied to wrong part of face. |
Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect |
Drinking fails to give satisfaction & taste. Unusually pale & clear. |
Glass is empty. |
Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
Feet cold & wet. |
Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling. |
Feet warm & wet. |
Incorrect bladder control. |
Go and stand next to nearest dog. after a while complain to dog's owner about its lack of house training. Demand pint in compensation. |
Bar blurred. |
You are looking through bottom of empty glass. |
Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
Bar swaying. |
Air turbulance unusually high. May be due to dart's match. |
Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
Bar moving. |
You are being carried out. |
Find out if you're being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army. |
You notice the wall opposite is covered in ceiling tiles and has flourescent strip lighting on it. |
You have fallen over backwards. |
If glass full & no-one is standing on your drinking arm. stay put. |
Everything has gone dim & you have a mouthful of broken teeth & dog-ends. |
You have fallen over forwards. |
As falling over backwards. |
Everything has gone dark. |
Pub is closing. |
PANIC!!!!!!!! |
You wake up to find bed hard, cold & wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. |
You have spent the night in the gutter. |
Check your watch to see if it is opening-time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in |