Drinker's Fault Guide
Sympton Fault Action to be Taken
Drinking fails to give satisfaction & taste. Shirt front is wet. Mouth open while drinking OR Glass being applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect
Drinking fails to give satisfaction & taste. Unusually pale & clear. Glass is empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet cold & wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.
Feet warm & wet. Incorrect bladder control. Go and stand next to nearest dog. after a while complain to dog's owner about its lack of house training. Demand pint in compensation.
Bar blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar swaying. Air turbulance unusually high. May be due to dart's match. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you're being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army.
You notice the wall opposite is covered in ceiling tiles and has flourescent strip lighting on it. You have fallen over backwards. If glass full & no-one is standing on your drinking arm. stay put.
Everything has gone dim & you have a mouthful of broken teeth & dog-ends. You have fallen over forwards. As falling over backwards.
Everything has gone dark. Pub is closing. PANIC!!!!!!!!
You wake up to find bed hard, cold & wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it is opening-time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in