A Consumer Reports special: Girlfriends
---------------------------------------------

Well it's been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends  (CR,
Aug 1972).  Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced,
and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU
decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend
for before obtaining one.  This will, in large part, dictate the final product
which you should consider.  Do you want an intellectual companion?  A baby
factory?  A hiking partner?  Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a
girlfriend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are
able to spend.  This is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics - if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a
good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end
model.  On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester
clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when
considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a
girlfriend can be financed, CU does not reccommend this practice; due to
inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase*
with time.

Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a
used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

 Your age        Used or New
 --------        -----------
 1-12 years      (see note A)
 13-16 years     New
 17-21 years     Used, but not used up
 22-35 years     Used heavily
 35-60 years     New (see note B)
 60+             (see note A)

 Notes:
 A: Seek psychiatric help
 B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year.  Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to
project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open
their own checking account.  Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady,
reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that
you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).  Much
greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a
professional.

Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded
with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom,
long legs, green eyes, etc.  Other accessories will only appeal to fringe
markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability
run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit.  In such cases you should make a list of
accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note that some accessories (such
as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be
factory installed.

The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential.  The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the  simple if
dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll
kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you,
Faith!").  CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better."  Once on the
test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration.  The two questions you
want to answer are:   how fast, and how far?  Examine the detailing.  Does the
bosom sag? Does  the heater warm adaquately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential
customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such
cases ordering from the factory is an option.  Delivery time, however, is from
14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the
usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you
should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected
to typify the average seeking population.  All tests were performed at CU's
specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and
living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.  A
series of seven tests were run, evaluating   each product according to the
following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and
performance.

Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in catagories by similarity.  Within each
catagory, variation is not statistically significant.
                                                                        ^
Catagory        Comments
Goddess         This is the woman of your dreams.  She comes equipped with all
                the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can
                argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of
                raquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it,
                and break a bed.  No mental or physical hangups.  The drawback
                is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law  This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual
                retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
                alchololic father, and a bratty kid.  This model tends to
                generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right       The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
                most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in
                the wrong size or hair color.  Other than that, an excellent
                long-term investment.  Availability is extremely limited but can
                occasionally be found with luck.

Babe            This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
                Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy.
                Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends,
                but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend          The model with the most empathy.  Caring and kind but you
                wouldn't be caught dead in it.  Availibility is poor to fair,
                depending on quality.

Yeah, Her       The Ford Escort of girlfriends.  Widely available, but useful as
                a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends
                to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!



[Back!!!!]