Handy Hints

	Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
	bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first
	place, you fat bastards.

	An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
	vibrator.

	If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
	of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
	instantly removed.

	Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom
	in the boot of your car.  Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of
	the road every time you have a minor accident.

	Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
	sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

	Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
	handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

	X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
	bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following
	morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

	Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
	running a bit slower.

	Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight
	down the pan.

	Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a
	large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

	Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by 
	masturbating furiously with your left arm

	Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing
	in the sink.

	Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold  Schwarzeneggar by buying
	one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

	Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from
	the butt of your last one.

	Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
	Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
	'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

	Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
	made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and
	ask for a nice steak.

	Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from
	behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See
	how long you can 'stay mounted' for.