THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not King. Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet. Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King. Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog. Not King today either. Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King? Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King. Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. Heís not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King. Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay. Nope, not King. Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss. Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either. Still not King, goddammit.
The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky. Day Four: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me! Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest. Day Ten: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot. Day Eleven: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far. Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest. Day 33 : Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite. Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming. Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness. Ooops. Day Three Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship. Day Four Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his... Stupid Ring. Day Four: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Day Six: Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant favoritism most annoying. Day Ten: Why isn't Aragorn into me ? Day Eleven: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other news, Gandalf died. Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn. Day 33 : Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha! Day 35: Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS: Day One: Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine. Day Three Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move. Day Four Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought. Day Six: Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Day Ten: Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of awesome power. Day Eleven: Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar. Day 24 : Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go. Day 27 : Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien. Day 30 : Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right? Right? Day 33 : Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge. Day 36 : Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at. Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE Day One: Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. Did I say that out loud? Day Three: Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee. Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age. Day Four: Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet. Day Five: Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty. Gandalf no fun at all. *sulk* Day Six: Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled. Decided not to tell him about all the baths. Day Seven: Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall. Day Eight: Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts. Day Nine: Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything. Day Ten: V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordly ways. Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli. Ick. Day Fifteen: Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts. Hate Pippin. Day Twenty-Two: Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady. Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo. Day Twenty-Three: Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we. Day Twenty-Four: Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm. We will see about that.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY Day One: In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along? Day Two: Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover. Day Three: Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin. Day Twelve: Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again. Day Thirteen : Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs. Day Fourteen : Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if! Day Sixteen : Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before. Day Nineteen : Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed. Day Twenty : Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one. Day Twenty-One: Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git. Day Twenty-Three : V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff. Day Twenty-Five : Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age. Day Twenty-Six: In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry. Day Twenty-Seven: Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE TOOK DAY ONE Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and grabby. Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he found one that was just the right shape, too. DAY TWO V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament. DAY THREE Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep. DAY SEVEN Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his hair. Is really starting to bother me. DAY NINE Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Canít wait. Later that night Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West? Apparently not. V. educational, all the same. DAY ELEVEN V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. DAY THIRTEEN Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragornís boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf. Aragorn still hasnít washed his hair. DAY FOURTEEN Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk. DAY FIFTEEN Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks. DAY SIXTEEN Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah. Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles. DAY TWENTY Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time, actually. Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted. DAY THIRTY Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes. Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE DAY ONE Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru. Perhaps will have a look at the palantir. DAY TWO Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like. DAY THREE Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while. DAY SEVEN Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy. DAY NINE Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me. DAY THIRTEEN Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast. DAY FOURTEEN All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly. DAY FIFTEEN Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb. DAY SIXTEEN Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf. What a bunch of yobbos. DAY TWENTY Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms. DAY TWENTY-TWO Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime. DAY TWENTY-FOUR If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick? DAY TWENTY-FIVE Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. DAY TWENTY-FIVE Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me. DAY TWENTY-EIGHT Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN DAY ONE Grr. Argh. DAY TWO Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned. DAY THREE Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they canít even grow decent beards. DAY SEVEN Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiancŤe in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness. Later. Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me! DAY NINE Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about Ďour relationship.í DAY THIRTEEN V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. Thatís right, Isildurís Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people. DAY FOURTEEN In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything. DAY FIFTEEN Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not. DAY SIXTEEN Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games. DAY TWENTY In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves. DAY TWENTY-TWO Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK DAY ONE Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when "washing dishes" punishment followed by "polishing Gandalfís staff" punishment and "massaging Gandalfís feet" punishment and "nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch" punishment, I mean, whoís he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot thing. DAY TWO V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast. All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad. DAY THREE Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf "The Gray" earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing myself. DAY FIVE Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didnít happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippinís belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what? DAY SIX Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said "Thatís not what you said last night." After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, "Iím really meant to be King, you know." Sure he is, and Iím the Elf Queen of Mirkwood. DAY SEVEN In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag. DAY NINE Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me! DAY ELEVEN Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything. Hope he tries something. DAY FIFTEEN Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodoís hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables. DAY SIXTEEN Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old ĎHorn of Gondorí trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once. DAY NINETEEN Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin" at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort. DAY TWENTY Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not much difference really, eh?" In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, "Fool of a Took! I have better things to do than mend your vegetables." Did not correct Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat. DAY TWENTY-TWO Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolasí nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself ! far too many high kicks. DAY TWENTY-EIGHT In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. Perhaps?.no, certainly not. DAY THIRTY Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good day.
Very Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5 Day 1 Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring! Day 1,000,967 Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile servitude. Still disembodied. Day 1,001,056 V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didnít think so. Day 1,001,102 Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can really dress up again. Day 1,001,105 Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring. Witch-King of Angmarís suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored. Day 1,001,106 Have been given brand spanking new horse. Not for spanking, of course. Go me! On minus side, still disembodied. Day 1,001,107 V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three "companions." Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude. Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up. Day 1,001,109 Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative. Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick) Killed: 17 human men. Go us! Day 1,001,115 Have been following Isildurís heir and pack of Hobbits for six days. Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Day 1,001,116 Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on. Day 1,001,119 Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildurís Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having "girlfriend" that inconveniently got washed away in stream. Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling. No, not that kind of oiling. Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, arenít you, what?
The Very Secret Diary of Gollum Day One Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron. Stupid Sauron. Day Five Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch "Flipper" over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong. Day Six Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of "The Faculty." Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring is. Day Eight Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly. "Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in third person. No smokers." Day Ten Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times. Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries. Day Eleven Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwenís dresses in front of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolasí boots-and-skirt ensemble. Day Thirteen Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan. Day Fifteen Cannot believe men still using hoary old ĎBlow the Horn of Gondorí pickup line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why. Too bad for Isildurís Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Day Thirty V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain. Stowed away in Legolasí backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice. Day Thirty One V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasnít looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum. Day Thirty Three Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now. Day Thirty Four Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all. Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway. Day Thirty Six In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasnít exactly getting any older, either. Day Thirty Nine Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.


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