THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make
a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. Heís not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now
quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however
have been blood loss.
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow
some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important
mission - gold ring so tacky.
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all
the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow
insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am
developing a tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on
my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look
at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her
mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.
I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one
strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?
Still prettiest by far.
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will
kill him if he tries anything.
Still the prettiest.
Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already
have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself
"Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have
super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by
Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around
here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot
understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other,
rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see
advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee
dark times ahead, very dark times.
The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks
he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I
mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an
outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got
distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut
off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not
after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things,
In other news, Gandalf died.
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my
rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.
Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he
did not mean with each other.
Day 33 :
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must
admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a
little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Killed by orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave
me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so
wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes,
but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount
Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on
the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard
hat not just for show.
Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.
Day 24 :
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me
and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she
kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo
Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my
extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of
breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a
group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not
affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other
Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?
Day 33 :
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly
sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir
Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those
platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.
Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the
idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah,
well, he never would have liked me anyway.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would
be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
Did I say that out loud?
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf
told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So
took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him
another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise
Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.
Gandalf no fun at all.
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his
fingers are all wrinkled.
Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr.
Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!
Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me.
Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt
Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with
small men in shorts.
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill
him if he tries anything.
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every
time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.
Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about
pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit
from Shire not versed in wordly ways.
Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.
Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo
left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would
make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as
have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat
with Mr. Frodo.
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of
course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was
trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all
know that's a big fib don't we.
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.
Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up
as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is
depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren
wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.
We will see about that.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was
Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?
Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed.
Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad
either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.
Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells
me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably
stealing paper out of my inbox again.
Day Thirteen :
Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for
pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen :
Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen :
Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not
for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd
think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen :
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo
baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting
Day Twenty :
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to
get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to
go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not
serious." Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three :
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry
Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on
top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five :
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry
about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable
things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell
the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge
battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree
burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If
he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE TOOK
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice
little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam.
Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he
found one that was just the right shape, too.
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping
wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for
unusually lifelike lawn ornament.
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas
seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I
admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like
pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.
Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his
hair. Is really starting to bother me.
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a
walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor.
Later that night
Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of
V. educational, all the same.
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot
corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with
hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn obviously
way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragornís boots, thus explaining why
Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.
Aragorn still hasnít washed his hair.
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas
took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The
Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old
elf prince sulk.
Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now
understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs.
And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.
Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry
also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time,
Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself
shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we
may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward
to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE
Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous
letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and
not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he
Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo,
except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is
fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir
relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of
Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or
hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive
demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no
easy task keeping nails pointy.
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins.
Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend,
terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just
wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just
dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this
treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered
smackdown. Go me.
Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt
Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could
taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.
All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well.
Will save me daily stair climb.
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping
trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh
bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for
whinging about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character
and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.
What a bunch of yobbos.
Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious
experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with
dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding
goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day
and will not complain about pink uniforms.
Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so
darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided
to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just
shows all the slime.
If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat
Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously
fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet
with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I
only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that
"Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less silly name?
Perhaps it is just me.
Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir
convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed
so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf
stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion.
Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom
here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented
candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday.
On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning.
What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder
they canít even grow decent beards.
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely
ignoring hottie elf fiancŤe in favor of barging about with hairy-footed
gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to
take care of her loneliness.
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of
Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely
hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about Ďour
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up
the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get
hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and
stuffed him in his trousers. Thatís right, Isildurís Heir. Suffocate the
Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that
cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should
have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card
from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest
on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing
Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of
Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries
anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of
a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning
to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds
between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling
and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks.
Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V.
satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought,
maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v.
lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet
haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam,
and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a
nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK
Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not
actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit
boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when "washing
dishes" punishment followed by "polishing Gandalfís staff" punishment and
"massaging Gandalfís feet" punishment and "nude leapfrog in the cabbage
patch" punishment, I mean, whoís he trying to kid, really? Especially with
the foot thing.
V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right
shape. Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags
potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being
slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but
not before breakfast.
All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough
trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented
from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment
tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v.
Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by
overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As
told Gandalf "The Gray" earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if
Frodo avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all
the rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort
of thing myself.
Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up
of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier,
not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room
instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all
night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didnít
happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippinís belt to
prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have
death wish, or what?
Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying
human. Told him to sod off and he said "Thatís not what you said last
night." After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin.
Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, "Iím
really meant to be King, you know." Sure he is, and Iím the Elf Queen of
In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing
noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery.
Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me.
Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was
groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name
Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me!
Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what
will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of
course kill him if he tries anything.
Hope he tries something.
Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle,
always dropping sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come
and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodoís hair today and Aragorn
almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the
elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an
eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables.
Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old ĎHorn of
Gondorí trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once.
Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin" at most inopportune time.
Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting
meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my
head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am
doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of
romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.
Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is
difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas
sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not
much difference really, eh?" In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again.
Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, "Fool of a Took! I have better
things to do than mend your vegetables." Did not correct Gandalf, as am
afraid of pointy hat.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best
to comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolasí nude rendition
of Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself ! far too many high
In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck
last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be
found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck
awfully persistent. Perhaps?.no, certainly not.
Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to
shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he
realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In
addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having
painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All
in all a v. good day.
Very Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5
Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty
Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per
usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I
detest this life of vile servitude.
V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v.
annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg
Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didnít think so.
Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying
ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body
back and can really dress up again.
Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to
sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who
have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmarís suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk
cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.
Have been given brand spanking new horse.
Not for spanking, of course.
On minus side, still disembodied.
V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of
giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three
Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty
lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.
Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in
Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.
Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy
Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped
the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set
by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!
Have been following Isildurís heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all
wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill
me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until
Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildurís Heir today. Was so busy laughing at
concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having "girlfriend" that
inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
No, not that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, arenít you, what?
The Very Secret Diary of Gollum
Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty
Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.
Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch "Flipper"
over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods
of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.
Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of "The Faculty." Cannot cope. Have
told them where Ring is.
Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in
last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly.
"Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit.
Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self
in third person. No smokers."
Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as
is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and
have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300
Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.
Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise
unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where
was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwenís dresses in front
of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest
after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves,
and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolasí
Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling
him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage
all the way to Gap of Rohan.
Cannot believe men still using hoary old ĎBlow the Horn of Gondorí pickup
line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by
Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why.
Too bad for Isildurís Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have
expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously
fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain.
Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.
Stowed away in Legolasí backpack but excessive nancing was not good for
stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products.
Hope he does not notice.
Day Thirty One
V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of
Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of
Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he
wasnít looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.
Day Thirty Three
Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog
v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action
was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two
extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in
complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said
this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of
Second Age, start living in the now.
Day Thirty Four
Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory
death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.
Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to
cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair.
Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.
Day Thirty Six
In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from
Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots
and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be
seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is
not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasnít exactly getting any
Day Thirty Nine
Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor.
Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having
dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.