The Shit List

  The Ghost Shit-
    The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but
    there's no shit in the bowl.

  The Clean Shit-
    The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but theres
    no shit on the toilet paper.

  The Wet Shit-
    You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up
    putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
    ruin them with those dreadful skidmarks.

  The Wet Cheeks Shit-
    That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks
    get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.

  The Liquid Shit-
    That's the sort where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your arse,
    splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time burning
    your tender anus.

  The Mexican Food Shit-
    In a class of it's own.

  The Marketing Shit-
    A turd which is special to SEP, BME and SEE in which there is so much
    shit coming out that you lose 5 stone in the process.

  The Second Wave Shit-
    This shit happens when you think you've finished, your pants are
    up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

  The Brain Haemorrahagethroughyournose Shit-
    You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
    practically have a stroke.

  The Corn Shit-
    No explanation necessary.

  The Lincoln Log Shit-
    The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
    without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

  The Notorius Drinker Shit-
    The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
    It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
    toilet bowl after you flush.

  The 'Gee-I-really-wish-I-could' Shit-
    The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out,
    all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

  The Power Dump Shit-
    The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and
    you're done.

  The Liquid Plumber Shit-
    This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
    over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log

  The Spinal Tap Shit-
    The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's
    got to be coming out sideways.

  The 'I-think-I'm-giving-birth-through-my-asshole' Shit-
    Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size
    of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
    the rectum for some time afterwards.

  The Porridge Shit-
    The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
    have two choices: 
	(a) flush and keep going, or
        (b) risk it pilling up to your butt while you sit there, helpless.

  The 'I'm-going-to-chew-my-food-better' Shit-
    When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
    rectum on the way out in the morning.

  The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Shit-
    When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
    make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.

  The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Shit-
    Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
    anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
    near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping
    for air.

  The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Shit-
    Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
    off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.